Which side of a person do you love?

A friend posted a painting of her self on a facebook group and it gave me an idea.

Why not draw/paint our selves and look into who we are. So I sat down with my water colors, glass of water, paintbrushes and paper. And I tried painting my self. Was I happy with the end result? No!

I didn't like the painting not because it made me question my skills with paint. I have none. Yet, I wasn't happy with it, 'cause simply put, I hadn't painted my self. Even though I thought I had, the painting wasn't of me. So I abandoned the watercolors and instead turned to pastels. Which didn't go well either.


It was then that I realized that I didn't really know what I look like. I know my nose and ears are quite small, my eyes can seem big at times. My face isn't all that long and I have short, curly hair. Yet, this wasn't enough. Even though I spent a maximum of ten minutes a day looking/seeing my reflection, I didn't know what I looked like.

Knowing what you look like helps you know who you are. I was telling a friend about this and he said that no one really knows who they are. Yet, they have some idea, right?

So I asked my self, "Shailee, who are you?" And I didn't know how to answer the question.

Confession Time
I have pushed away some amazing people. I don't even know why I pushed them away because I really did love them. Yet, one day I would just wake up and not want them in my life anymore. Which is a terrible thing to do. And I've never figured out why I do this.

But I think it had something to do with who I am. This is why its important to know things about your self.

There's also that anger I feel at times. Again, for no real reason. I would just suddenly feel angry and hate the people around me. What has made me this way?

I may not know much about who I am, but I know I'm a loner. Which isn't exactly a bad thing. I like being alone. I'm happier when I'm forgotten, ignored. Which is why I wish I could go back to when I was this silent person. Because when people took no notice of me, when I was in the shadows, I was happy. Maybe not over the moon, but I was happy with life.

Yet, being a loner isn't exactly knowing about the person I am. That may take time, a lot of understanding. People assume new beginnings exist, but they don't. The past will always haunt you, no matter where you run off to. Still, you can create certain distances. There was a time when talking to people or seeing them online hurt. Slowly though, those feelings fade away. You accept their presence or absence in your life. And you need to cut all those ties to understand who you are.

You need to shut out all the voices, and only look at your self. I have a long way to go before I realize even a fraction of the person I am. Someday though, I'll get there. And I'll know what I look like, I'll know who I am.

And this journey must be taken alone. It is selfish, yes. Hurtful, yes. But it must be done. Forgive me for putting my own life before yours. For not being considerate about your feelings and how you felt about it all. But in the end, I'll feel better because...

“Don't you know who you love...? You love the girl who makes you laugh... You don't love the crazy, sullen bitch.”

― John Green, Looking for Alaska

And it's not fair to take it all out on you. So accept the distance I want. For somewhere down the road, you will once again see that girl who makes you laugh. And you won't see the crazy sullen bitch.



For all those reading, the you in the last bit isn't anyone specific. It's you, my friends, my closest friends and people I love.


I also read a blog post that had used the above quote. And I realized that all of us have those two sides to us. The one that makes others laugh, and the crazy, sullen bitch. And people must love both sides of you. And I understand this. This is what friendship is about. Yet, I feel like I'm burdening people when I'm being honest. Or that they don't really care enough. So I don't tell them, which makes it worse because I wish I could talk to someone. But then I think, is it really fair?

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