Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Things I wish I am

1. Team Non-Procrastinators

We’ll start with this because if I was a non-procrastinator, I wouldn’t be putting together this post. I have two weeks’ worth of work I need to get done by tomorrow but here I am, writing something that will be of no use or interest to anyone.

But here’s the thing. I procrastinate way too much and not in that way where you actually manage to get things done on time despite watching a load of videos you can easily watch later. At the beginning of every work week, which starts on Wednesday for me, I promise myself the I'll get work done by Thursday and send it off by Friday morning. Every week, I stay up till 3 in the morning on Saturday morning telling myself that it’s still technically Friday since I haven’t slept since Friday morning.

But somehow it’s so damn difficult to close YouTube, close Twitter and just get to work. Which I always regret the next day when I feel like a starving zombie. Where are my brains!

2. Talent 

Before you start with the fake compliments, listen to me. All I can do is write and I have zero confidence in myself with regard to what I’ve chosen as a career. I doubt myself so much that sometimes I wonder how I even have a job.

But there are certain things I know I can’t do; creating art and taking photographs. Sure, I can take a slightly blurry picture of Johnny Meowing for Instagram, but besides that, my photography skills are pretty shit. Even if I owned a camera or a phone with a good camera, I still wouldn’t have the guts to whip it out in public and take pictures of something.

About my artistic capabilities, let’s just say that they are pretty limited. No, wait, that’s not the word I’m looking for. Nonexistent! That’s the word.

I’m not one to really go out of my way to work on my skills and talents so then why do I want to be an artist/photographer? Because of work. I have to put together content for a 16 page tabloid every week. The pay is good but not when you go way over your data limit and have to deal with heart-attack-giving bills every month. So can I afford to pay a photographer or artist at least once a month to give me the cover I want? No. Is it fair to expect people to do something for free? No (trust me, it kills me inside when I have to get covers done for free).

And so that’s why I wish I wasn’t an untalented blob. I wish I could draw and paint and take the kind of photographs I want as covers.

There’s also the deal with all these ideas I have. Ideas for photographs and paintings, but what can I do about them? Tell my brain to stop having them because I can’t put them to a canvas or *thing that a photograph is printed on*

3. Adios, anxiety!

I’m self-diagnosed, so I can’t and won’t really talk about anxiety and if I actually have social anxiety because I most probably don’t but still, I wish I didn’t have to calm myself down before placing an order at Burger King or having to practice the entire conversation five or six times before calling Pizza Hut (thank god for apps). I wish I didn’t freak out whenever someone walked up to me or stood/sat too close to me. I wish I didn’t have to watch from a distance the people I’d like to talk with or stuff I’d like to be doing.

And this is perhaps the most serious thing in this post, because it’s something I’d actually like to work on. I don’t want to have to miss out on fun just because I can’t even make myself talk sometimes. I don’t want to be stuck having conversations in my head because I can’t talk to people.

And this would also make work much easier because there are so many people I have to talk to and I know that I’m missing out on some great opportunities just because I can’t talk to people.

4. Friends? Friends. More than friends? More than friends. 

As someone who is always busy doing nothing and is afraid of talking with people, making friends and even just maintaining friendships isn’t easy. So a relationship of the romantic sort is close to impossible. Why would I like to change this? Here’s why.

Two nights ago, I was trying to fall asleep but of course, life isn’t that kind to us, so I just stared at the ceiling and thought about various things. And the ‘I wish I had a man in my life’ thought pushed through the rest. But then I started wondering why I needed someone in my life. I hate going out. I hate talking to people. I hate most relationship-y things. But then I realized that what I wanted was to care about someone.

I want to care about someone so much I’d actually give a fuck about their work or what they read or even like to eat. I want to care about someone so much that I actually make an effort to spend time with them. I want to care about someone so much that their happiness makes me happy.

And I know this is selfish but who said I wanted to change that about me?

Since four seems like a good number for a list and also because I’m yawning like a crazy person, and my tummy is demanding the string hoppers that are waiting to be enjoyed, I’ll put an end to this post.

And one last thing… I feel that it’s okay, sometimes, to be terribly unhappy/disappointed about what you are. It’s okay to want to change. To be better. But you can’t wait for life or time to do its thing. You need to change. You need to shed your old skin and be who you want to be.

And someday, I hope I deal with my procrastination and self-diagnosed anxiety and actually be a better person than I am.