Friday, July 14, 2017

7 easy ways to lose friends

Have you ever thought, "hmm I have way too many friends. The situation needs fixing"? If so, you've come to the right place.

If we've ever tried to have a conversation, you'll already know that
1) I'm not very good at talking to people.
2) I take weeks to reply to anything
So I'm not the easiest person to have a conversation with. And this has helped keep the friend count at a minimum. Since knowledge should be shared, I thought of blogging about how to lose your friends.

(Also please note that this post is an attempt at humor. I didn't do these things to cut ties with people. I did most of the following without such intentions but ended up not having many people to talk to, and so decided to turn this thing into a post.)

1. Be an asshole

This is something that people did to make it easier for me to delete them on Facebook or unfollow them on Twitter. And I'm sure I've done it too, even though I mayn't have even realized it. If you are an asshole, and say homophobic, racist, sexist things, people will at first throw a shit ton of mud at you. Then they'll throw poop at you. Then they'll give up and delete/unfollow your ass.

If you don't think this will work, here's a story. I don't care much for Facebook posts. I scroll up and down a lot but mostly to see what I can laugh about on Twitter. But when Mangala Samaraweera was made the Finance Minister, people shared this post where gay porno pics were photoshopped into our currency. Thankfully, only one of my 'friends' shared this, and what did I do? Deleted his sick ass.

2. Slow coach

When I used to work in Maradana and had to take the train back home, or even go to work by train, I'd always take the slow train that ends/starts in Panadura. This was because I could sit from beginning to end and not get suffocated by humans packed close together like sardines in a can, and the smell of sweat, bad breath, human-juices and hot lunch. The express train is what most people wanted though.

So no one likes a slow coach. They take way too much time and make you even more frustrated about life.

And what better way than that to lose friends? I take ages to reply to messages. Admittedly, this isn't always because I'm lazy or not in a mood to talk with someone. Sometimes, I just can't put together a message. But this has led to a situation where no one wants to talk to me. And if you don't talk with someone... you aren't friends. Mission accomplished.

3. Whatapp

Back when I was growing up, we were all texting. That's how we communicated with people. Then Facebook happened and we started chatting with people. Then Whatapp happened and everything went to shit.

Suddenly, it was okay to drag people into massive group conversations. Work-related stuff was done via WhatsApp. Contacts you made for work stuff could talk with you on Whatapp. And so you had to have your mobile data on at all times. This used up your phone's battery juices but also made your bill amounts high enough to give you a mini heart attack.

So getting rid of WhatsApp gets you a few things:
(1) People no longer have a way of contacting you. You can avoid making a ton of friendships because:

Person: So you on WhatsApp?
You: No
Person: *walks away*
(2) You save money because you won't be using much mobile data anymore
(3) You don't always have to be on your phone

(Please note that I'm talking about Whatsapp from three years ago. I don't know if it has changed since)

4. Smart to dumb

Now I don't like calling feature phones dumb phones because they are plenty smart but I'm not the one calling the opposite of a feature phone a smartphone. So when you have the above WhatsApp convo, the person can ask you why you don't just install the app.

I personally don't like having to lie, mostly because I'm bad at it, so I like to have a valid excuse.

Imagine this happening:
Person: So you on WhatsApp?
You: No
Person: Why not install it?
You: My.. urmm... so my phone doesn't like support it?
Person: Oh what kind of phone do you have?
You: *tries to hide your brand new smartphone*

So... avoid this awkwardness by getting a feature phone. I used one for three years and that was more than enough to fix the friend situation. I used a tab too, because I needed to use taxi-hailing apps, Twitter, Instagram, etc. and also check my mail all the time.

My feature phone
(1) Gave me an excuse to be a difficult-to-reach/disturb person
(2) Saved me a lot of money. I go months without a reload
(3) Helped with the accidental calls and typing issues I had/have

Why I changed back to a smartphone is a different story. I needed a new phone and had to accept that I didn't have many choices that didn't look hipster-ish or stupid.

5. Excuses

'My phone can't handle WhatsApp/Messenger' is just one excuse and there're so many more you need to work on. Crappy internet, unpaid bill/disconnected connections and the lot are okay at first but soon make you look like some stingy bugger.

So work on some good excuses. Phone was on silent. I left my phone in my bedroom and spent all day in the living room. My mother's phone broke and she was using mine. My phone's being a shithead and messages aren't getting to me.

Make sure they are convincing, and don't get caught up in your lies.

6. Lay low (online)

I managed to sort of lay low since I wasn't on WhatsApp and I had a feature phone. I wasn't appearing online on Facebook either. So all this meant that not many knew if I was alive or not anymore.

Three years of this has led to safe times when I can get back to the old way of life without having to swat at people trying to contact me for friendship purposes (not in the creepy online dude way. I mean, they are still disgusting, slimy flies but none of this will help you get rid of them completely).

7. Lay low (irl)

Guess how many mini batch reunions I've gone to since leaving school? Zero. And since around the end of 2015, I haven't been to any social media stuff either (see, I went for those once upon a time too) besides TweetupSL last year.

This isn't because I don't like the people that I'll meet at any of these events but because I don't like meeting people, especially in crowded places. So I don't go for anything that's happening, and again, you'll need some good excuses.

Amma wants me at home. Family thing.
I have work stuff to do.
Uni assignments. Deadline is coming up.
No one's at home so I have to stay here.
Relatives may visit.
Not feeling well. Might be the flu.

You see? So many excuses that are basically better ways of saying, 'I don't want to hangout with you.'

And that's about it for the time being. Now that my wisdom has been shared, I hope you make good use of it. Good luck!

(If the post looks ugly and the pics are here there everywhere, just know that a lot of effort went into drawing those and I really wanted to showoff my artistic talents).