When we pray, we are being selfish

For someone quite young, I think about death a lot. Not the act of dying. Not the how, when or where of death. But death it self. I once planned on writing out "Shailee's Final Will and Testament" the day I turned 21. Now I have decided to have no will. My law teacher told me that even in law, a man still exists after death and this was through his will. So I thought I will specify who gets what. My books, clothes, money and other goods that collect in my life. Then I thought, should I really spend my life planning who should get what after I die? Does it matter if my enemy gets my most treasured book? Does it matter if a man who stole from me gets all my money? And finally, should it matter?

I would be dead. Should I, even after I'm no more, tell what people can have and should have? The first step to not having to worry about what happens after death is to not let things collect. I can't easily give away my things. Books, gifts and soft toys. Clothes I give away easily, and I'm not too particular about money. When I have, I happily spend. When I don't have, I don't ask. Yet, the things I love the most, I can't part with. And this is the kind of this that could make me worry even when am taking my final breath.



Then I thought about the funeral. They are for the living, I read somewhere. Which is quite true. Weddings have stopped being for the bride and groom and are instead for the guests. Why does a man want to be buried in his most expensive suit? Why in a coffin made of the best kind of wood? You are dead, what you wear or what you are burned or buried in will not make you less dead.

Who would I want at this funeral? Not a soul. Some funerals are attended by thousands. Of these, many shed tears. Yet, how many were there during the dead man's last moment alive? Who held his hand as the pain increased? Who cleaned him up when he vomited all over him self? How many were at the funeral having seen a notice in a newspaper?


While death is not something that can be avoided, there's one little thing I would want to do before I actually stop living. This is to truly understand life and the ways of the world. Every morning when I light the same old oil lamp, offer the white flowers and put my palms together in front of a pure white Buddha statue, I say to my self, "May I have the strength and determination to attain Nirvana." I say these words and yet make no effort to seek the way out. I say these words and yet, do nothing but form more and more ties.


This might lead to taking the year off, next year. Sometimes you need to get away to calm your self. And so next year, I will finally do what I love; travel. Maybe study Buddhism even.


Which takes me to something a relative to my grandmother recently. He told her that I shouldn't just get a degree, but do the family proud by getting a Masters. Hearing this made me feel proud and happy for not many dream for other people. Not many hope or wish for others. When we pray, we are being selfish. We pray for our selves. When we hope, we hope for our selves. We connect everything to the one person, who in the end turns out to be our biggest enemy. Because in life we lie to people. But the person we lie to the most is also the one we can trust the most.

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