On choices, distance and happy endings
Since the connections the mind makes between various things cannot be fully explained, today an empty train heading towards the commercial capital of the country made me think of the decisions and choices we make in life.
We choose to hurt and sometimes, we choose knowing it will hurt us. It isn't easy, looking at a choice you made knowing it will tear you apart. Yet, a voice in your head will tell you that, sometimes, you make that choice because you can't always keep thinking about the future. Live in the moment, I always say to my self. This is what you should do. Don't always think about the consequences. Of course, you can't completely ignore the thought of the future and dig your own grave. But within certain limits, make that choice that makes you happy in the present tense.
Sometimes, it feels like we have a choice, but turns out, we don't. Either someone else made that choice for us, or there never were multiple options.
Of course, the mind wanders. Soon I had forgotten about all these choices and looked at the distance between people. There's the distance in miles and meters. In how many oceans lie between two people. Then there's that other kind of distance, where you are sitting next to each other but it feels like you aren't. Because his or her presence feels cold, and you wish they would reach out and hold your hand, but they never do. Its the distance that can be closed through a hug, or a smile. And its the distance that hurts the most.
Next is love. So I love ice cream. As I told my cousin, if I could I would get married to ice cream. If I had to choose a God, I would choose ice cream. So if I like someone as much as I like ice cream, that's when I know that its time to move away. Which I will do, because till the day I die, I can be quite confident that there will be ice cream on earth. But the people you love, whether they are your parents, siblings, friends, they all leave. They all stop being part of your life, and you stop being part of their lives. And no matter how much money and effort you are willing to spend or waste, those you love will never be there forever.
Happy endings. Some part of me always waited for this happy ending. But I've decided that happy endings don't exist. Endings cannot be happy. We tell our selves this, but endings hurt. So I will remind my self each day that soon the day will come when these people and things I love are no more. And finally the day when I'm no more. And this is what we were always told in Buddhism, yet, I could never accept it. Understand, maybe. Not accept.
Finally a to-do list. A friend told me about two things he planned to do every day. And I think it's time, I had such a list.
The first is two write everyday, which is an idea I'm stealing from my friend. I used to blog daily. And maintain a diary which is now called a journal. So a blog post a day and a journal entry. No saying, "ah! tomorrow would do." And to steal an idea from the Vlogbrothers, I'll have a 'punishment' each time I skip a day.
Second is again stealing something from my friend. It's something my meditation teacher in school always told us, yet we happily ignored her. That is to go through what I did during the day, before going to bed. So each night, I will in a way, sort out the day.
Meditate. Five minutes would do. Just close my eyes, block out the world and concentrate on my breathing. Although in a way, the above is a sort of meditation. Maybe I'll somehow combine the two.
We choose to hurt and sometimes, we choose knowing it will hurt us. It isn't easy, looking at a choice you made knowing it will tear you apart. Yet, a voice in your head will tell you that, sometimes, you make that choice because you can't always keep thinking about the future. Live in the moment, I always say to my self. This is what you should do. Don't always think about the consequences. Of course, you can't completely ignore the thought of the future and dig your own grave. But within certain limits, make that choice that makes you happy in the present tense.
Sometimes, it feels like we have a choice, but turns out, we don't. Either someone else made that choice for us, or there never were multiple options.
Of course, the mind wanders. Soon I had forgotten about all these choices and looked at the distance between people. There's the distance in miles and meters. In how many oceans lie between two people. Then there's that other kind of distance, where you are sitting next to each other but it feels like you aren't. Because his or her presence feels cold, and you wish they would reach out and hold your hand, but they never do. Its the distance that can be closed through a hug, or a smile. And its the distance that hurts the most.
Next is love. So I love ice cream. As I told my cousin, if I could I would get married to ice cream. If I had to choose a God, I would choose ice cream. So if I like someone as much as I like ice cream, that's when I know that its time to move away. Which I will do, because till the day I die, I can be quite confident that there will be ice cream on earth. But the people you love, whether they are your parents, siblings, friends, they all leave. They all stop being part of your life, and you stop being part of their lives. And no matter how much money and effort you are willing to spend or waste, those you love will never be there forever.
Happy endings. Some part of me always waited for this happy ending. But I've decided that happy endings don't exist. Endings cannot be happy. We tell our selves this, but endings hurt. So I will remind my self each day that soon the day will come when these people and things I love are no more. And finally the day when I'm no more. And this is what we were always told in Buddhism, yet, I could never accept it. Understand, maybe. Not accept.
Finally a to-do list. A friend told me about two things he planned to do every day. And I think it's time, I had such a list.
The first is two write everyday, which is an idea I'm stealing from my friend. I used to blog daily. And maintain a diary which is now called a journal. So a blog post a day and a journal entry. No saying, "ah! tomorrow would do." And to steal an idea from the Vlogbrothers, I'll have a 'punishment' each time I skip a day.
Second is again stealing something from my friend. It's something my meditation teacher in school always told us, yet we happily ignored her. That is to go through what I did during the day, before going to bed. So each night, I will in a way, sort out the day.
Meditate. Five minutes would do. Just close my eyes, block out the world and concentrate on my breathing. Although in a way, the above is a sort of meditation. Maybe I'll somehow combine the two.
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