Days like today
If you know me or have read any of these posts (this or this) or any other rants about social situations, you'll know that I don't handle social situations or socializing that well. I'm more than happy to stand against a wall and hope that, in a miraculous turn of events, god sends me an invisibility cloak.
I'm shy, awkward and scared of talking to people. Don't get me wrong. Regardless of what I say, I do love and appreciate it when people make an effort to talk with me but there aren't that many people I can talk with. It's just the way I am and I really wish more people would accept this and understand that talking or being friendly takes a lot of effort for me.
My inability to make friends or conversation means I spend a lot of time alone. It's not that I don't have a lot of friends. I have enough and more friends but not all of them are people I can talk to. There's also the case that these are people I mostly speak to online. I rarely meet them and even if I do, I usually spend more time alone than with people.
Since my recently unemployed status, I've been spending a lot of time alone. At home, it's just me and Jayawathi and she rarely disturbs me. Johnny meows every now and then but that's about it. I'm online most of the time but I rarely talk with people.
While this is a rare occurrence, the notification terrifies me. As crushing loneliness is, I like being alone. I'm not good at talking to people and so I prefer silence. And this isn't because I don't like people. I love people. I just don't know how to talk to people and believe me when I say that the struggle is real. It's not fun to want to say something but be unable to say it because your system refuses to speak. It's not fun when people ask you to join in the fun, take pictures or just talk with them when you can't because you just can't and not because you are tired or sad or not in the mood.
While I don't go there often, I love Cup Cafe with all my heart. This isn't because I like the food or drinks or the people there. I love them, but that's not why I keep going there. Cup Cafe is my escape from the world. Whenever I need to escape from people, I just go there and the place makes me appreciate aloneness.
You see, society seems to think being alone isn't a good thing. Asking for a table for one isn't something we can all do. It's as if being alone in public means you have failed as a person and yet, there's nothing better than being alone. When you are alone, you don't need to pretend or have your guard up. It's just you and nothing or no one else matters.
As much as I deny liking anything stereotypically girly, I love flowers. The first time I took home flowers, one of the van ladies asked me if it was from someone special. When I told her that I bought them for our house, she was quite surprised. Turns out, flowers need to be received and not bought for oneself. I can't deny that even I make jokes saying, "I can't believe the only way I get flowers is if I buy them," or "I'm so forever-alone that I have to buy myself flowers."
But why can't I buy myself flowers? What's wrong with that? Why are we so afraid of taking part in anything that suggests or implies we are alone? Why are we so afraid of loneliness and being alone?
A week or two ago, I was alone at a cafe and I was just glad that there was no one to talk to me. It wasn't that I didn't want to be interrupted but I just needed to be by myself. After that, I had to meet a friend and I walked towards Vihara Maha Devi Park and everyone else was with someone. They were with friends, spouses, children, parents or lovers. Everyone had someone and I didn't but it didn't matter. I was glad I didn't have anyone with me because sometimes, you need to distance yourself from people.
And you need to accept that not everyone can be with other people. Some of us struggle to maintain relationships and we can't always be there for people. We struggle to talk to people and we prefer being alone. There's nothing wrong with this and there's no shame in being alone.
But then there are days like today or last Wednesday, when I enjoy being with people. On Wednesday, I laughed and talked with people I had met just a few weeks ago. I talked with people I love being with. I spent time with people that are, sometimes, the reason I await the beginning of another day.
And today.
Today was great. I was alone for the first half of it. I was alone in the sense that I was surrounded by people but I seemed to be invisible. No one knew me and no one spoke to me. I was happy being a person that no one saw or cared about. It made me feel insignificant but it also made me realize how life isn't all about the people you know or talk to. Whenever people boast about how many friends they have or how many follow them on Twitter or how many relationships they've had, I rarely feel envious. I mostly want to tell them that none of that matters as much as how much they've enjoyed life, with or without company.
And I'm beginning to appreciate life in a new and perhaps, better way. I'm beginning to love the little things in life; silly jokes and silence and long walks. I'm beginning to notice the small gestures and the shared smiles and moments. Life is better when you forget the world and just live and be yourself.
And today.
Today, I met with friends. It wasn't planned as such. I don't know about the others, but I sure didn't wake up this morning knowing or even, hoping I'll have such a wonderful day. You see, I've been drowning in an ocean of uncertainty. While I mayn't admit it, I've been so afraid that maybe I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I've been so scared and life has been nothing like it was before...
But today, we went back to those days when we could just laugh and laugh for no reason. We laughed at the lamest jokes and we laughed until our tummies ached. We made jokes and teased each other and we were happy.
And the best thing about today was that no one cared if we were a bit lost in life. No one asked us about our plans and when we would take the next step when it came to work or studies or life in general. No one made us think of any of the bad days. None of that mattered. All that mattered was that we were there, together, and we had the best time ever.
And as much as I love being alone and as used to loneliness as I am, today, I was thankful for friendships that matter and happiness that comes with no strings attached.
Maybe today or Wednesday or any other day I've thought was great or amazing won't be enough to keep me afloat in this world. They won't keep away the down days. I will still struggle with unhappiness, an inability to talk or make friends or even smile, sometimes. I will continue to drown in uncertainty and I will continue to be scared about the future.
But for now, days like today are enough. And for now, the people I love are enough to make me want to make the most of life. And this is important. It's important to have something, whether it's happiness or relationships or music, that is enough. And I'm glad today existed. I'm glad Wednesday existed. I'm glad that the people I know and love exist because without them... well, without them, I wouldn't have tummy aches after laughing too much. I wouldn't have tears in my eyes after laughing at the lamest and silliest jokes. I wouldn't have a reason to smile at the most random (and often, inconvenient) times.
I'm shy, awkward and scared of talking to people. Don't get me wrong. Regardless of what I say, I do love and appreciate it when people make an effort to talk with me but there aren't that many people I can talk with. It's just the way I am and I really wish more people would accept this and understand that talking or being friendly takes a lot of effort for me.
My inability to make friends or conversation means I spend a lot of time alone. It's not that I don't have a lot of friends. I have enough and more friends but not all of them are people I can talk to. There's also the case that these are people I mostly speak to online. I rarely meet them and even if I do, I usually spend more time alone than with people.
Since my recently unemployed status, I've been spending a lot of time alone. At home, it's just me and Jayawathi and she rarely disturbs me. Johnny meows every now and then but that's about it. I'm online most of the time but I rarely talk with people.
While this is a rare occurrence, the notification terrifies me. As crushing loneliness is, I like being alone. I'm not good at talking to people and so I prefer silence. And this isn't because I don't like people. I love people. I just don't know how to talk to people and believe me when I say that the struggle is real. It's not fun to want to say something but be unable to say it because your system refuses to speak. It's not fun when people ask you to join in the fun, take pictures or just talk with them when you can't because you just can't and not because you are tired or sad or not in the mood.
While I don't go there often, I love Cup Cafe with all my heart. This isn't because I like the food or drinks or the people there. I love them, but that's not why I keep going there. Cup Cafe is my escape from the world. Whenever I need to escape from people, I just go there and the place makes me appreciate aloneness.
You see, society seems to think being alone isn't a good thing. Asking for a table for one isn't something we can all do. It's as if being alone in public means you have failed as a person and yet, there's nothing better than being alone. When you are alone, you don't need to pretend or have your guard up. It's just you and nothing or no one else matters.
As much as I deny liking anything stereotypically girly, I love flowers. The first time I took home flowers, one of the van ladies asked me if it was from someone special. When I told her that I bought them for our house, she was quite surprised. Turns out, flowers need to be received and not bought for oneself. I can't deny that even I make jokes saying, "I can't believe the only way I get flowers is if I buy them," or "I'm so forever-alone that I have to buy myself flowers."
But why can't I buy myself flowers? What's wrong with that? Why are we so afraid of taking part in anything that suggests or implies we are alone? Why are we so afraid of loneliness and being alone?
A week or two ago, I was alone at a cafe and I was just glad that there was no one to talk to me. It wasn't that I didn't want to be interrupted but I just needed to be by myself. After that, I had to meet a friend and I walked towards Vihara Maha Devi Park and everyone else was with someone. They were with friends, spouses, children, parents or lovers. Everyone had someone and I didn't but it didn't matter. I was glad I didn't have anyone with me because sometimes, you need to distance yourself from people.
And you need to accept that not everyone can be with other people. Some of us struggle to maintain relationships and we can't always be there for people. We struggle to talk to people and we prefer being alone. There's nothing wrong with this and there's no shame in being alone.
But then there are days like today or last Wednesday, when I enjoy being with people. On Wednesday, I laughed and talked with people I had met just a few weeks ago. I talked with people I love being with. I spent time with people that are, sometimes, the reason I await the beginning of another day.
And today.
Today was great. I was alone for the first half of it. I was alone in the sense that I was surrounded by people but I seemed to be invisible. No one knew me and no one spoke to me. I was happy being a person that no one saw or cared about. It made me feel insignificant but it also made me realize how life isn't all about the people you know or talk to. Whenever people boast about how many friends they have or how many follow them on Twitter or how many relationships they've had, I rarely feel envious. I mostly want to tell them that none of that matters as much as how much they've enjoyed life, with or without company.
And I'm beginning to appreciate life in a new and perhaps, better way. I'm beginning to love the little things in life; silly jokes and silence and long walks. I'm beginning to notice the small gestures and the shared smiles and moments. Life is better when you forget the world and just live and be yourself.
And today.
Today, I met with friends. It wasn't planned as such. I don't know about the others, but I sure didn't wake up this morning knowing or even, hoping I'll have such a wonderful day. You see, I've been drowning in an ocean of uncertainty. While I mayn't admit it, I've been so afraid that maybe I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I've been so scared and life has been nothing like it was before...
But today, we went back to those days when we could just laugh and laugh for no reason. We laughed at the lamest jokes and we laughed until our tummies ached. We made jokes and teased each other and we were happy.
And the best thing about today was that no one cared if we were a bit lost in life. No one asked us about our plans and when we would take the next step when it came to work or studies or life in general. No one made us think of any of the bad days. None of that mattered. All that mattered was that we were there, together, and we had the best time ever.
And as much as I love being alone and as used to loneliness as I am, today, I was thankful for friendships that matter and happiness that comes with no strings attached.
Maybe today or Wednesday or any other day I've thought was great or amazing won't be enough to keep me afloat in this world. They won't keep away the down days. I will still struggle with unhappiness, an inability to talk or make friends or even smile, sometimes. I will continue to drown in uncertainty and I will continue to be scared about the future.
But for now, days like today are enough. And for now, the people I love are enough to make me want to make the most of life. And this is important. It's important to have something, whether it's happiness or relationships or music, that is enough. And I'm glad today existed. I'm glad Wednesday existed. I'm glad that the people I know and love exist because without them... well, without them, I wouldn't have tummy aches after laughing too much. I wouldn't have tears in my eyes after laughing at the lamest and silliest jokes. I wouldn't have a reason to smile at the most random (and often, inconvenient) times.
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