The last message

While I'm not proud of it, I certainly don't even try to do anything about my inability to reply to messages. I always find some excuse and beyond a few hours/days of feeling guilty, I don't even care about the messages I don't reply to. Last night, I came across a Tumblr that was all about last messages and they were heartbreaking. Some were goodbye messages, but most weren't. They were simply messages that unexpectedly became last messages. Sometimes the conversation didn't continue because of death and other times because... It just never did.

And going through the posts I realized how any of the messages in my inbox could be a last message and it's sad that they can be. It's even sadder that they will end up being a last message simply because I just didn't make an effort to reply to them.

For the past few years, I made new year resolutions that I sealed in an envelope and only read at the end of the year. I never opened the ones I wrote for 2014. That envelope, covered in dust, remains unopened, unread. Each year's resolutions included 'make new friends and lose none.'

I don't have a lot of friends. I mean, I don't have a lot of friends I actually talk to. It's just that I can't maintain conversations and they exhaust me. I get along with very few. But worse than my inability to make friends is my inability to maintain friendships. I've let just too many people go, and most of the time, they left because I told them to, for no reason or fault of theirs. I just get overwhelmed sometimes and there's no way to get around that feeling other than by losing a friend or someone I care for.

So every year, I promise myself to make an effort and not let go of people. But each year, I break that promise. Each year, I think, 'this year, I will make sure no one goes from being someone I talk to everyday to someone I never talk to.' Each year, I end up losing more and more friends. And I think it was just meant to be but... I don't want any of those messages to be a last message. I don't want to lose someone just because none of us made an effort to just click send.

So I hope that 2016 will be different and that even if I don't make any new friends, that I won't lose the people that are part of my life. I know I can't always expect the other person to make the effort, but if I do fail to keep this promise, just know that I really didn't want your message to be the last between us. And that sometimes, even when, and especially when, I tell you to leave, I still do need you and care for you.