What parents often forget...
I don't have parents who have given me a key to the house and don't ask me where I'm going and don't care what time I get back at (they have given me a key to the house though, but I don't know where it is). I don't have parents who are okay with me coming home whenever I feel like it. I don't have parents who let me do whatever I want, come home a mess and think it's okay because it means I'm independent.
But I also don't have parents who demand to know all my friends and their phone numbers. I don't have parents who don't let me talk or meet boys or go on overnight trips. I don't have parents who go through my phone and check who I talk to. I don't have parents who force me to do something I don't like.
I love my parents. I love that they aren't strict but they still maintain parent-status and don't try to be my best buddies! Most people who see my tattoos ask me, "How did you get your parents' permission?" and they are usually surprised to hear my mother held my hand during my first tattoo. I'm glad my parents didn't force me study science or maths or even commerce. I'm glad that they supported me when I chose arts, especially when society considers arts as Plan Z. I'm glad they didn't force me to spend hours and hours studying or didn't look so disappointed when I didn't get as good results as cousins or friends. In fact, they didn't even ask what results other people got. I'm glad they let me work for a newspaper when so many others said I can find a 'better' job and I'm glad they are letting me take a year off just so I can travel and explore the world and life. I love my parents.
But there are parents that I don't like. They aren't my parents but they are my friends' parents. I remember this article written by a monk. In it, he says that parents need to give their children the freedom to make their own mistakes. We learn from our mistakes.
When parents tell us 'don't drink' or 'don't smoke' or 'pass exams' the message gets to us more if they tell us why we shouldn't drink or smoke or fail exams. And these reasons are often embedded in their own experiences. For instance, I would be willing to listen to my parents if they tell me how much they struggled in life because they didn't pass exams well and how much more they could be if they hadn't thrown away certain opportunities than if they just tell me I should study harder.
But just like they can tell us their stories and show us the way in life, we need to have our own stories. Someday, when my daughter tells me about the first boy to break her heart, I don't want to tell her that there are plenty of fish in the sea. Instead, I want to tell her about the first boy to break my heart and how I got through it and how important heartbreak can be. I need to have my own stories to tell and so it's important that my parents let me have my own experiences and memories.
My parents understand this... at least to a certain extent. But there are so many parents who don't understand this at all. They had their fun when they were our age but now, they won't let their children live life. Often, their reason is that they know what kids our age do. And it's true. We will experiment and see what it's like to be young, wild and free. We will make our mistakes. We will most probably break all those rules our parents put down for us.
But our parents need to trust us and themselves. My parents did a good job raising us. They taught us values and what's right and wrong. They made sure we understood responsibility and our duties. They taught us the value of money. And if they know they did a good job, they don't need to worry about us. They will know that no matter what we do in life, we will always know our limits. They need to trust us. And trust their parenting methods too.
I'm in my early twenties. I have, so far, lived a safe life. I don't take risks and I'm not very adventurous. But this year... I have plans. I want to travel and I want to know what life is. I want to discover myself. I want to forget the rules for a while. And with freedom comes risk and danger. So I'll need my parents to trust me and let me make my own mistakes. I'll need them to understand. And I need them to know that they don't have to worry about me, because they are pretty good parents.
Parents aren't just people who brought you to this world. They aren't just the people who provide food and shelter to you. They are people who love you and care for you. And they are people you love and depend on. But here's the key to having parents who will trust you. You need to always be honest with them. I know parents who go through their kids' phones or social networking accounts. I know parents who don't allow their kids to go out with friends, especially with friends of the opposite sex. And sometimes, not always though, this is because the parents don't trust their children.
Trust is a funny thing. You need to be trustworthy, you need to trust in others but you also need reasons to trust and be trusted. If my parents find out I've lied to them, especially about important things, I can't expect them to trust me. But likewise, I can't trust my parents if they react to honesty by imprisoning me. Trust needs to be mutual. And without trust, relationships of any kind can easily fall apart.
Children need to love their parents. They need to trust their parents. They shouldn't be scared of their parents. They shouldn't feel like prisoners of their parents.
Parents need to love their children. They need to trust their children. They need to be understanding and accepting. They shouldn't mistake fear for love or respect.
And what's most important is that children and parents need to give each other reasons to be loved and trusted.
But I also don't have parents who demand to know all my friends and their phone numbers. I don't have parents who don't let me talk or meet boys or go on overnight trips. I don't have parents who go through my phone and check who I talk to. I don't have parents who force me to do something I don't like.
I love my parents. I love that they aren't strict but they still maintain parent-status and don't try to be my best buddies! Most people who see my tattoos ask me, "How did you get your parents' permission?" and they are usually surprised to hear my mother held my hand during my first tattoo. I'm glad my parents didn't force me study science or maths or even commerce. I'm glad that they supported me when I chose arts, especially when society considers arts as Plan Z. I'm glad they didn't force me to spend hours and hours studying or didn't look so disappointed when I didn't get as good results as cousins or friends. In fact, they didn't even ask what results other people got. I'm glad they let me work for a newspaper when so many others said I can find a 'better' job and I'm glad they are letting me take a year off just so I can travel and explore the world and life. I love my parents.
But there are parents that I don't like. They aren't my parents but they are my friends' parents. I remember this article written by a monk. In it, he says that parents need to give their children the freedom to make their own mistakes. We learn from our mistakes.
When parents tell us 'don't drink' or 'don't smoke' or 'pass exams' the message gets to us more if they tell us why we shouldn't drink or smoke or fail exams. And these reasons are often embedded in their own experiences. For instance, I would be willing to listen to my parents if they tell me how much they struggled in life because they didn't pass exams well and how much more they could be if they hadn't thrown away certain opportunities than if they just tell me I should study harder.
But just like they can tell us their stories and show us the way in life, we need to have our own stories. Someday, when my daughter tells me about the first boy to break her heart, I don't want to tell her that there are plenty of fish in the sea. Instead, I want to tell her about the first boy to break my heart and how I got through it and how important heartbreak can be. I need to have my own stories to tell and so it's important that my parents let me have my own experiences and memories.
My parents understand this... at least to a certain extent. But there are so many parents who don't understand this at all. They had their fun when they were our age but now, they won't let their children live life. Often, their reason is that they know what kids our age do. And it's true. We will experiment and see what it's like to be young, wild and free. We will make our mistakes. We will most probably break all those rules our parents put down for us.
But our parents need to trust us and themselves. My parents did a good job raising us. They taught us values and what's right and wrong. They made sure we understood responsibility and our duties. They taught us the value of money. And if they know they did a good job, they don't need to worry about us. They will know that no matter what we do in life, we will always know our limits. They need to trust us. And trust their parenting methods too.
I'm in my early twenties. I have, so far, lived a safe life. I don't take risks and I'm not very adventurous. But this year... I have plans. I want to travel and I want to know what life is. I want to discover myself. I want to forget the rules for a while. And with freedom comes risk and danger. So I'll need my parents to trust me and let me make my own mistakes. I'll need them to understand. And I need them to know that they don't have to worry about me, because they are pretty good parents.
Parents aren't just people who brought you to this world. They aren't just the people who provide food and shelter to you. They are people who love you and care for you. And they are people you love and depend on. But here's the key to having parents who will trust you. You need to always be honest with them. I know parents who go through their kids' phones or social networking accounts. I know parents who don't allow their kids to go out with friends, especially with friends of the opposite sex. And sometimes, not always though, this is because the parents don't trust their children.
Trust is a funny thing. You need to be trustworthy, you need to trust in others but you also need reasons to trust and be trusted. If my parents find out I've lied to them, especially about important things, I can't expect them to trust me. But likewise, I can't trust my parents if they react to honesty by imprisoning me. Trust needs to be mutual. And without trust, relationships of any kind can easily fall apart.
Children need to love their parents. They need to trust their parents. They shouldn't be scared of their parents. They shouldn't feel like prisoners of their parents.
Parents need to love their children. They need to trust their children. They need to be understanding and accepting. They shouldn't mistake fear for love or respect.
And what's most important is that children and parents need to give each other reasons to be loved and trusted.
Agreed. 100%.
ReplyDeleteI was raised with more fear than trust. It's crap - and years later, it's still crap. People shouldn't be allowed to become parents until they've realized the value of trusting their children.