Marriage isn't a barrier to love?
I’ve heard people, both male and female, say that marriage isn’t a barrier to love, meaning that if you love someone and they love you, their marital status isn’t an issue. Marriage maybe good, bad, happy, unhappy, but it is still marriage. It might be just a signature on a piece of paper, but that contract binds you to another person. Regardless of the ceremony you had or didn’t have, you are married and that is much more than how much you love each other. Marriage provides security. It’s a way to ensure your future will be taken care of. That you will have a home, food on the table, someone to take care of you and a family. You may not love each other, it may have been an arranged marriage, but you decided to take this person as your spouse and now, you’ve met someone else and you want to just chuck that life you built in the bin?
It is easy for some people. Just sign the divorce papers, take your stuff and leave. Pay whatever you have to. Wash your hands off that family. Pay a visit every now and then, if that’s necessary. But what about the person who doesn’t want the divorce, who isn’t the reason for the divorce?
The spouse
She agreed to marriage and she agreed to a future together, with you. She had dreams of growing old together, dying in each other’s arms. These may seem like silly dreams, but honestly, it’s what I would think of when getting married. If you aren’t looking for a lifelong partner, DO NOT GET MARRIED! It’s as easy as that. Don’t mislead people, don’t cheat and betray them. Just don’t. So that lady who thought her future was in good hands finds out her husband is thinking of leaving her and at the moment of confirmation, especially when she hears him say it or when she signs those papers and hears the judge’s verdict, her entire life crumbles to the ground.
And it’s the same for the man who thought he’ll be with his wife forever. It’s not only about saying goodbye to a person, you are also saying goodbye to a life, to a future.
Now think about his/her self-esteem. They realize they aren’t good enough, they doubt themselves. They blame themselves. And when they see you with your new family, it crushes them because that was supposed to be your life. And now, you have been replaced.
The kids
Once someone told me that when a couple gets divorced, the break up is between the couple and the kids aren’t involved. Okay so you get married, you have kids, you decide to get divorced and then the kids aren’t given a thought about? Who gets custody of them? Who pays for their needs and wants? Do they agree to this arrangement? What do they think about it?
I don’t know if this happens to others as well, but let me tell you that, your parents getting a divorce can really screw you up. I started losing trust in men; I started doubting myself, wondering if a man could ever love me enough to never leave me. I realized I had to be independent, have a steady income, a house of my own. I had to merely listen to my friends talk about funny or loving things their fathers do and just smile, I never had stories like that I could share with them. And I was small, young. I should have been having my first crushes, reading and having fun with my friends. Instead, I was keeping secrets from them, dodging awkward questions because for some reason, it felt like I no longer had a ‘normal’ family. And when friends came over, having to explain why your house was empty of any of your father’s stuff, that wasn’t at all fun.
It still hurts. To see him being a better uncle than a father. To see how he has replaced the role Amma played in his life. To see how someone else was living the life we should be living. It shoots daggers through my heart. I think, you can move on when a friend or boy/girlfriend breaks your heart. But when a parent does that? You can’t just forget that, you can’t move on.
(I’m not blaming him or calling him a bad father. He never completely disappeared but he was never there when I needed him the most. And you may think you are merely choosing a new spouse, but to your children, it feels like you are choosing a whole new family. It makes them feel worthless.)
The family
Forget the spouse and kids. Think of your in-laws. Your decision to leave your wife means a split of the families. And try as they might, it’s difficult for the in-laws to be together again. It’s awkward and uncomfortable. But more than that, the spouse who was left behind? He/she is suddenly without anything. Her family, parents or siblings, have to take care of her. They have to help her; they have to make sure she doesn’t crumble to the ground. All because you didn’t know what you wanted in life, all because you didn’t bother to see if you were compatible, all because your priorities are screwed up, all because you couldn’t remain faithful.
Society
In Sri Lanka, telling people you are divorced or your parents are divorced is something you’d rather avoid. It’s awkward and often, hurtful. They pity you and that’s something you don’t want.
Below is a conversation I’ve had just too many times
Me: Actually, my parents aren’t together.
A: What do you mean?
Me: They are divorced. And he married again
A: Oh! I’m so sorry to hear that
Why are you sorry? I don’t need your pity. Your pity won’t bring back that family that is complete. In school, when we were taught about families, there was the nuclear family and the extended family. What happened to the single-parent family? Why didn’t our text books include that lesson?
Dear men and women,
If you decide to get married, make that marriage last. Don’t cheat, don’t be unfaithful. Don’t ever seduce or be in a relationship with a married person.
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