principles and values

I grew up believing in that picture perfect life movies and books told me about. I thought life is about meeting the right person at the right time and everything falling in to place. I thought I would know how to deal with things because, how hard could life be, right?

Today, I'm twenty, I've lived a bit, seen a bit and I'm questioning all those principles and values I was brought up believing in.

Since Amma is a Buddhist, I too, was brought up worshiping the Sanga, reading the Dhamma and seeking the blessings of the Buddha. I've taken a few steps away from religion, and yet, I continue to live by certain principles and beliefs.

I was brought up believing in certain things. I was brought up believing that certain things were done, and others were not done. Growing up, I never thought I would have to question if an action is right or wrong. I thought I would know. Today, I can't help questioning various things. I can't help wondering why we believe in certain things.

There is a confession I must make. This is a confession because it goes against the person I seem to be. While I said to the world I would never get married, never have a family, never settle down, the truth is that, I do want that, someday. Last year, someone asked me if I would ever want to have kids. I told him I wouldn't because I didn't want to stop working in the field and I didn't want to raise a kid who rarely ever saw his/her mother. My mother made so many sacrifices for me. So did my father. However, I still wish I had more memories of them.

And I do want to someday let go of everything in life, raise a little kiddo and live that stereotypical life that all those stupid romance novels talk about. However, now, seeing how people treat marriage and their families, I fear the day I would fall in love or get married. Someone I know once said he would never get married because he wouldn't want to wake up one day and realize he doesn't love his spouse anymore. This is a fear we all live with. However, for some reason, I've let this fear take control of my life.

It is a fear fueled by the actions of others. When I got worked up about an extra-marital affair of someone, my mother asked me why I care so much. Neither party was friend or family.  However, their relationship bothered me because it insulted the very idea of marriage. It made me remember that fear I walk around with. And most of all, it made me wonder if I would someday go against all these principles and values I have.

It seems easy to believe in certain things. Last year, I wouldn't have tolerated drinkers or smokers. Today, as long as they aren't too close to me, I've learned to not be visibly bothered by them. There was a time when I absolutely hated liars and cheaters. Today, I have to smile with them and pretend I don't notice those lies. It's easy to have certain ideologies. It's easy to say you will live by certain values. However, as you move on in life, as you live with other people, you need to be able to make your principles and beliefs more flexible. You need to be able to accommodate the beliefs of others.

However, this tends to create this confusion in your head. It makes you wonder, question, dislike, hate. It makes you a scared being. A person afraid of living.