That Eternal Mystery Called Love

The Nation

Poems, songs, movies and novels are dedicated to this one theme that seems to have no explanation. What exactly is love? Is it the nervousness you feel when meeting a particular person or is it the need to be with someone? Is love merely physical or is there an emotional element to it too? In a few weeks’ time the entire world will be painted red and roses and chocolates and cards will greet you at every nook and corner. And thus before we all drown in the pinks and reds, it’s important to look at what love is.

One of the best explanations of love is Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love. According to the psychologist, love consists of three components, intimacy, commitment and passion and it is the presence of the components that determines the type of love.

Thus there are various forms of love between people, and the one we look for the most is true love, which is when passion, commitment and intimacy are all present.

 Now we have inkling as to what love is, and the kind of people we love; Family, friends and of course lovers. And how great are the distances we go for the people we love?

 “Love is keeping the promise anyway,” says Isaac in the Fault in Our Stars. We make promises out of love, to always be there, to never stop loving people. And yet, often, we can’t keep our promises. We can’t love people forever, because love isn’t something we choose to feel. And just like falling in love is inevitable, falling out of love is inevitable too. We love, and then we stop loving. Thus while love maybe keeping the promise anyway, it is safer to not make promises of love in the first place.

Love seems to demand changes. At first you convince yourself that you love the person for all the flaws and imperfects, and yet, as time goes on, you start complaining about the  little things about them that bug you. However, that too is a passing phase, and slowly you start accepting people as they are. You see that they are beautiful despite their imperfections, and realize that you love them for their flaws.

 When it comes to loving, the biggest issue is that sometimes it feels like the world is against you. There could be a thousand reasons to not love someone, but there will always be at least one reason that will make you listen to your heart. However, there are times when the person is everything you ever wanted but you can’t be with them.

 This is where cheating becomes the topic of discussion. Since we were very young, we were told to never cheat on things and people. Yes, you may be tempted to peak into your friend’s paper during an exam. Sometimes, our minor crimes are forgiven.

 “Sometimes it’s okay to cheat on things, but don’t ever cheat on people, because once you start, it’s very hard to stop. You find out how easy it is to do.” David Levithan, Will Grayson, Will Grayson.

 Cheating on people is more serious than cheating on things. When you cheat during an exam, you are being dishonest. But when you cheat on someone, you hurt people. You break their trust, and make them feel like it’s their fault. Today, we hear of so many divorces, so many breakups. One of the main reasons for these separations is one cheating on his or her partner. When it comes to cheating, you can cheat on your friends, lovers and worse, spouses. If you are in love with someone who is in a relationship or is married, then you need to walk away. Sure, your heart will give you enough and more reasons as to why you should be with them, and yet, remember that, no one likes to be cheated on. Also think about your own life, principles and moral values; after all, once a cheater, always a cheater.

 For whatever reasons though, whether you were cheated on, whether you fell out of love, whether you just didn’t get along with each other, people leave. And couples break up. You are left stranded on what seems like an empty island with no clue as to how to deal with your heart break.

 First of all, we must all remember that, during a breakup, both parties are hurt. Sure, he may have cheated on you to be with another, but this doesn’t mean he isn’t hurt. When you are with someone, when you have a bond with them, no matter how short-lived, there are memories, and history that can’t be erased. People become part of your story, and even though the chapter is closed, that chapter is reread and remembered for the rest of your life.

The general stages of a breakup are anger, hate, denial, disbelief, numbness, sadness and acceptance. Some people move on, others don’t. There are many who can’t let go of the past, who can’t say goodbye. This isn’t healthy, but there are things your heart and mind just can’t do.

The things you can do to get over a breakup depend on which stage you are in. However, below are a few ways that may help you.

1.Keep yourself occupied. Do not let your mind wander. Don’t give into the temptation of checking their Facebook page or whatever pictures you have of that person. Do something, anything, and try to not be alone. Hangout with your friends, cook, clean your room. Just keep yourself busy.

2.Do not call them, or leave messages. They are also trying to get over you, and you aren’t helping by trying to talk to them. Just let go. Yes, it’s difficult and it’s not fair. But such is life. Don’t make the situation much worse than it already is.

3.Keep the energy levels high. There’s no denying that you will spend a lot of time thinking, crying and exhausting yourself. This is why you need to eat well. Certain kinds of food also contain various things that will trigger enzymes that will make you feel happy. Do not overeat though, which is something that tends to happen. Yes, the chocolate, and candy and soda may be tempting, but don’t give in. Surely, whoever broke your heart isn’t worth all the health issues.

4.Write. Not all people enjoy writing so this may not help some. However, if you enjoy writing, write down your feelings. You don’t need to share it with anyone, but write about your life, your emotions and what you went through.

5.Have a clean slate. Delete your chat history, delete their number, all the pictures you have of them. Throw away anything that reminds you of them. Create a great distance between your ex and you, which will make it easier to get over them.

6.Talk about it. If you have a close friend you can trust, just be honest and talk about how you feel. Closure is often gained by being honest and saying all you need to say. It is best if you could talk to the person who hurt you, and let them know how hurt you are. However, do not expect them to change their minds. Just tell them the truth and then leave.

7.Spend some time alone. This should only be done when you stop feeling angry and hopeless. Take some time off to reflect on your life and to ‘find yourself’ again. We often get lost when we are with another, and we forget who we are. We start being a reflection of our partners and this is why it is important to be yourself once again.

8.Don’t force yourself to think about them. For the first few days, you will think about them morning, noon and night. Slowly though, you will forget to remember them. When this happens, don’t feel guilty. Soon enough the song you both loved will be a song you stop liking, or a song you and another loves. People move on, and if they don’t, it’s mostly because they are too afraid to walk away from the memories.

9.Accept that it was meant to be. Once you break up, you will try to only remember the good things that happened between the two of you, just so you can convince yourself that he is worth a fight. Stop for a moment before you call him again. Think about your entire relationship, and look at all the dark moments. Do you really want to relive that?

“It only takes 24 hours to get over a person.” The individual who said this explained that whatever time spent after that is because of your own vanity. We may move on from the person, but the place that they occupied in our life isn’t easy to fill. And so we go on in life, holding on to the past.

Why love, then, if it causes so much pain?

Because, we can’t live alone. We can’t live solitary lives. And when we are with people, we can’t help falling in love.