hootenanny (On dating and figuring things out)

Word of the day: Hoontenanny

An informal session at which folk singers and instrumentalists perform for their own enjoyment

Let's talk about dating.

I had issues with physical contact and intimacy for the longest time. Just two years ago, I stood in front of the mirror, tears in my eyes, coming to terms with the fact that I was probably going to end up alone. I thought I was asexual and while asexual people can be in relationships, there was also a lot to do with commitment, romance, love and a fear of heartbreak that complicated things in my mind.

This is obviously a personal post, and I may even revert it to drafts. But I think this is something I need to talk about, for myself. To make sense of things.

I spent my mid-teens and most of my 20s not really dabbling in dating or relationships or anything like that. There was obviously the lack of opportunity (I'm man-repellent) but there was also a fear of disappointing the other person or misleading them. I felt like it would be unfair to put someone in that position.

So anyway, I've now reached a point in life where I still don't know for sure what I want or what kind of person I want. But a few months ago, I realised that I may want something that is fun and casual, where there is some level of commitment, so you check in with each other, you spend time together. But you don't have to go on dates or invest in the relationship. You don't, in a sense, owe each other anything.

But then my lack of experience as well as age (getting closer to my 30s) made this seem less like something I wanted to try out and more like something I needed to cross off a list.

It felt like I needed to find a man -anyone would do- just so I didn't end up basically being a 40-year-old virgin. And this made the confusion and disappointment and everything else of making my way through the dating world a lot more difficult, I suppose?

Because it no longer felt like a fun thing to do. It felt, it feels like a job I'm failing at. Their lack of interest in pursing anything, it not being the right time, or whatever other reason that actually makes sense became my fault. It feels like a weakness, a shortcoming. It feels like I have to try harder, be better, fix myself.

There's this weird pressure to do the right things and say the right things and in some ways put up with a lot of shit from other people just because it seems like, if not, you may lose the one opportunity the universe has presented you. I'm not proud of ignoring my own needs and feelings and expectations just because it felt like I needed to put every ounce of energy I had into making something work.

And this makes me hate myself. You sober up, recover from the hangover, remember everything you did and didn't do and you just feel disgusted about yourself. I hate this feeling. I hate what this does to my brain.

You know how people talk about how hobbies or passions stop being as fun when you try to make a career out of them? How, if you like baking cakes and then start a little cake business, the whole process of baking a cake is no longer as fun as it used to be? Dating feels like that sometimes and I want to change it. I want to have fun. I want to enjoy the last of my 20s without feeling like I need to get through a checklist.

I want things to be easy, you know?