This Star Won't Go Out

Like most, I didn’t know of Esther’s existence until after she passed away. I watched a few videos where Esther was mentioned, I wrote a very short post on one Esther Day and besides that only knew that Esther was a nerdfighter who died of cancer. It was sad that such a young and beautiful girl was dead, but she wasn’t someone I knew, and so, I never showed much interest in her life.

Then I ordered This Star Won’t Go Out for some unknown reason. I thought it was a small book with lots of pictures and didn’t really want to pay Rs 2,300 for it. Then I got a call that the bookstore was to deliver the book, and I again asked my self if it was worth it.

So on Wednesday, I finally got my copy of TSWGO and I was over the moon. The book is heavy and lovely and just perfect. You know they worked hard to create this, designing each page so beautifully.

There are enough pictures, letters and drawings by Esther to know the book truly belongs to her. And there are enough words from her family and friends to know she is loved.

Don’t give much thought to tenses here. Sure, you need to talk about Esther Grace Earl in the past tense; however, she doesn’t seem dead, maybe because I never knew her when she was alive anyway. Or maybe because I often forget people are dead.

Now I started the book with a lump in my throat, thanks to the introduction by John Green. The words following his didn’t make things better. However, a few pages into the book, it was easy to forget Esther was no more. Her writing made you her friend, her writing was so honest that you saw Esther for who she really was.

Now I won’t go on to talk about the book itself, because there’s only one word I have for it; perfection.

Looking at Esther, she is someone you could easily love. She was just a few months younger than me; both of us were born in 1994. For this reason, I can’t help constantly thinking of her as someone who would have turned 20 this year. And I can’t help comparing her life and mine. We both have wild hair and we both love to write. However, I wish I had more in common with her, not because I could then, be like her, but because I could relate to her.

So Esther’s story isn’t this happy story where she was always strong and happy and accepting of her condition. She writes that she wishes could live longer, that she sometimes just broke down in tears and disliked how lazy she had become. Esther’s story shows us that one mustn’t always glorify the dead. A person doesn’t suddenly become this strong person who didn’t give up just because they are dead. In her diary, Esther is honest about life. Of course, she was honest because she wasn’t writing for thousands of people. She wrote for herself.

These are her most private thoughts, and while I’m still debating if it’s fair on Esther to have her private thoughts published, I’m still happy I can read at least some of her words. They changed how I looked at life, they reminded me that while people had bigger problems, my problems, as insignificant they are, still matter.

When my friends at work asked about the book, what two people said really hit me. One asked me what made Esther’s story worth being published. You must understand that we are people who choose what to publish and often ask the question, why does a story deserve paper-space? My coworker went on to ask me what made Esther special, when there were so many others who had it worse. And suddenly I felt defensive of Esther, a girl I didn't know. I wanted to tell my coworker that Esther deserved to have her story published because she was so beautiful, so amazing and so human. But most of all, she deserves to have her story published because she wrote it. However, I knew my coworker wouldn't understand that love felt in nerdfighteria, where you don't need to 'know' someone to love them, and be defensive of them the way friends are.

However, it hurt to think that some day if I publish my story, she wouldn't think it was worth a read simply because my problems aren't as big as the problems other people have. It hurt to think our significance is marked by how bad we have it. And if the pain a writer goes through is what makes a book worth a read, well, This Star Won't Go Out is worth it. Esther goes through so much pain and yet, she talks about it as if it shouldn't matter.

Another coworker told me that Esther's story was special because she actually wrote it. And some how she said she should also maintain a journal in case she dies. And my first thought was, "You are going to die." I actually said this to her, but she didn't hear me. We do live ignoring death, we pretend we aren't dying. We think we have been promised an old age. And Esther too, at times writes about turning 60 (or some such age.) And you realize that even though she knew she would die, she still wanted to live. We don't accept that death could be just around the corner, so we go on in life, living as if we have a promised 'full life.' But does this imply that someone who dies at sixteen doesn't live a full life?

I love This Star Won't Go Out. I love Esther's story. And I love Esther. 

And this star won't go out.

“I feel very lucky to know you—and as far as I have seen, to know you is literally to love you.” -Esther Earl, This Star Won't Go Out: The Life and Words of Esther Grace Earl