"There is only one god and his name is Death"

The last time a death made me cry was somewhere last year, when Alfie, our baby squirrel died. Since then quite a lot of people and animals have left this world; my cousins’ dog, my grandaunt’s husband, a relative, someone who lived two roads away from me and yesterday I started the day with some terrible news. So this was a man I had seen once, on the day of his wedding. He got married to someone who wasn’t a relative, but who proved that water can be thicker than blood. His name always slipped my mind, and just a few days ago I tried and tried to remember his name, was it Ranjith? Ranjitha? Well, it was Ajith. And Ajith is dead now, no more.

I didn’t cry though. The tears gathered, threatening to spill down my cheeks, but they never did. I tried to get them out of me, but I couldn’t. Not when I heard about the dog’s death, or even my granduncle’s death. I felt sad, and something hurt inside, but I’m still waiting for those damn tears!

So last night I wondered if these deaths hadn’t really affected me! Maybe they weren’t as a big a deal as I assumed they would be. Then I realized that, I did care about these people. I love them in my own way. Even if I hadn’t spoken to them or seen much of them, they were family.

I also gave being in denial some thought. Sure, I mostly speak about these people in the present tense! Their deaths didn’t hit me the way a door is slammed shut by a sudden gush of wind. I never saw those dead bodies, dressed up for people who rarely saw them. And sometimes it slips my mind that they are dead. Yet, I know they are no more. Just ashes that were carried away by the wind.

Then why can’t I shed at least one tear for these people? Well, I think it’s because at some point of your life deaths of the not-that-close (that is people you don’t see nearly everyday!) just become a normal thing. At first you are scared that you’ll miss that presence but that space they leave behind can be replaced. And it will be. And so at some point, there are no more tears. You can try, but the tears are just not there.

It’s a different matter if it’s someone closer to your life. You’ll miss their greetings, and all those little things that irritated you. The clothes and towels flung on a chair, the unwashed glasses and plates that you always ended washing for that person. And in a more simple way, the facebook comments and likes that were always there, the random text messages that made you smile. They won’t slowly stop, most of the time you get no warning. One day you’ll wake up and those things, those everyday things, won’t be there anymore. And you’ll be lost and scared and curse that person for dying.

But once the deaths start piling up, once you start getting used to those everyday things just not being there anymore, you will stop crying.

“There is only one god and his name is Death. And there is only one thing we say to Death: “Not today.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones