Family

For most of my teens and perhaps my early 20s as well, I hated that my parents weren't together. I was somewhat embarrassed as well, because until my late teens, I couldn't even talk about it openly. Family was always depicted as parents who are together and their children. It didn't even have to be an opposite sex couple. Whatever combination of male, female, nonbinary, cis, trans, etc. the parents were partners.

So I felt like my life would never be complete because my parents were not married to each other anymore. They got divorced when we were kids. And for most of my life, all I've known is living with my mother and visiting my father. Somewhere down the line, his wife entered the picture.

As I got older, not having parents who are happily married became acceptable. In fact, it was rarely that someone would say their parents are still married and still happy in that marriage.

Now, as I embrace my late 20s, what I can say is this. My parents aren't happily married. They aren't even married to each other. But they are happy. And our entire family, mother, father, his wife, my brother, myself, we are all happy.

My parents get along well. They talk. He is always welcome at our place. They work as a team, especially when it comes to Aiya and I. I don't have to worry about my mother feeling betrayed when I spend time with Thathee and his wife. I don't have to feel guilty, because she is okay with it. Amma has cooked food when they moved into a new house. Thathee's wife always tells us to check what Amma needs when we visit her.

It's easy to have parents who are separated because they make it easy. If they weren't talking, if they hated each other, if we had to walk on eggshells around them, Aiya and I would be filled with a lot of hurt, confusion, and anger. We would hate our parents.

This way, we can actually love this little imperfect family of ours. We have three parents to watch out for us and care for us and love us. We have three people who always give us priority. We have three people who make sure we are safe and happy.

In my late teens and early 20s, I wrote a lot about my father. I directed all my anger at him. I don't think I can ever apologise for any of that. But I feel it was necessary. That I needed to go through that period in life, where I thought it unfair that I didn't get to have this perfect family. Because now, I can take a step away from our family. I can look at it as an outsider. And I realise that I wouldn't change anything about our family.

If I could stop time and rearrange things the way I like, I wouldn't change a thing.

I may never tell them this because I am their kid and no kid can admit their parents are actually pretty darn cool, but I'm incredibly fortunate to have them as parents. They are honest and have worked hard to get where they are. They gave us the world without making us feel entitled. They gave us a good life without ever making us think life is easy.

And most of all, they taught me that even adults make mistakes and they do the wrong thing sometimes but that they grow and learn from their mistakes.

Amma wants to learn how to use piping tips to make the cutest meringues and frosting flowers. She recently made meringue by herself for the first time and has been sharing them with everyone despite making them for the brownies. This time last year, I wouldn't have trusted Thathee with making rice. Last night, he treated us to garlic rice, baked fish, and avocado and egg salad that was amazing.

They've shown me that my 27-year-old self hasn't run out of time to learn and be better. They've shown me that I can learn new things in my 30s, 40s, 50s, and beyond.

So what's the point of this post? It's a reminder that I have family (as well as friends but that's a whole other post) that loves me. I promised a friend that I would make an effort to remember this more often this year and I think this is a good starting point.