Control

I remember talking with a friend about why we drink and the reason was that for those few hours, we don’t have to be in control of our lives. We forget whatever is taking up space in our minds. We forget work and shitty people and everything that makes life difficult. For those few hours, we can float around and say whatever without worrying about every little thing.

This giving up of control is something I yearn for sometimes. I look for that feeling of not being me anymore. But this isn’t something I want all the time, which is why I flip out whenever I don’t have control of a situation at any other time. This is why the moment I had to sign a contract at work, I felt like I could no longer control my relationship with my place of employment. When I have to sit still for a long time, I start to freak out because I can’t just walk away.

And then there is control over my emotions. There are times when my thoughts keep crashing into each other. When I can’t help but be sad for no particular reason. When I sit in the toilet and cry. When it feels like there’s something lodged in my chest.

A few days ago, I started noticing the signs of yet another one of these moods (or whatever you want to call it). The restlessness. Being exhausted despite doing nothing all day. Naps. A lack of direction. Not finding enjoyment in things I usually love doing.

And I stupidly thought that I had control over what was happening within me. I thought I could stop this shift before it really happens.

I’m now realising that I don’t have such control and that I can’t do anything about how I’m feeling. Which is why I woke up today feeling like absolute shit. Why I haven’t been able to focus on anything. Why I had to take breaks in between cooking because my body felt weak.

And it scares me to not have control over my life like this. It scares me that all I can do is stand aside and let this mood take over, flood every little bit of me.

This is a short post and it’s more of a personal post. I may even take this down soon. But I think it’s a way for me to understand what’s happening in my mind and to perhaps gain a bit more control simply by accepting this.

“Put the grenade pin in your hand, so you understand who's boss”

Matilda by alt-J