My main mood is cranky while I'm sometimes all happy and excited and
talkative. And it's a pity when people meet me during my off days and think
I'm this person who is super excited to be alive. But they, at some
point, meet me when I'm in my usual mood. Their natural reaction is to
say I've changed and ask me what's wrong. But they refuse to accept that
I am cranky 90% of my life. And then they tell me to go back to being
the person they know. They refuse to accept that I don't have a choice
in the matter. Explaining it to them is of no use because the conversation
keeps going in circles. And also because, if my behavior causes no harm to me or
anyone else, I don't see why I need to explain myself to anyone. It
makes no sense that we search for happiness with such passion. But while
chasing after happiness, we often forget that the opposite of happiness
isn't sadness. And that not being happy (outwardly happy, that is)
isn't a bad thing. Because when I'm ignoring humans, not saying much or
not showing interest in conversation, I am still happy... in my own way.
Choosing happiness
You know, it used to really piss me off when people said things like "you should choose happiness." It seems ridiculous that I would wallow in bloody unhappiness when I could just easily choose to be happy. I couldn't wake up in the morning and choose how to feel, now could I? But now I'm realising that maybe it's not about that daily choice, but about choosing happiness in the face of certain situations. You look at whatever has happened in your life and ask yourself how you want to feel in life... not about the situation itself, not about how certain things or people made you feel, but about what you want in life. You can choose to be unhappy, hurt, angry, whatever. And sometimes, those feelings right all those wrongs. People realise that they fucked up. That they made you feel like shit. But sometimes they don't. They think that you are being unreasonable. You are expecting too much. You are imagining shit. And in such situations, it's sometimes easier ...
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