My main mood is cranky while I'm sometimes all happy and excited and
talkative. And it's a pity when people meet me during my off days and think
I'm this person who is super excited to be alive. But they, at some
point, meet me when I'm in my usual mood. Their natural reaction is to
say I've changed and ask me what's wrong. But they refuse to accept that
I am cranky 90% of my life. And then they tell me to go back to being
the person they know. They refuse to accept that I don't have a choice
in the matter. Explaining it to them is of no use because the conversation
keeps going in circles. And also because, if my behavior causes no harm to me or
anyone else, I don't see why I need to explain myself to anyone. It
makes no sense that we search for happiness with such passion. But while
chasing after happiness, we often forget that the opposite of happiness
isn't sadness. And that not being happy (outwardly happy, that is)
isn't a bad thing. Because when I'm ignoring humans, not saying much or
not showing interest in conversation, I am still happy... in my own way.
Availability, dating, love, etc.
There’s a line in Sally Rooney’s Conversations with Friends where, towards the very end of the book, one character says to another: “You know, I still have that impulse to be available to you.” This line struck me when I first read it, because it seemed to describe simply what love is: an impulse, a desire to always be available for a person. Now, when I first read the book, I hadn’t really dated, but later, when it happened, I saw how this simple need to always be available to someone wasn’t love. Not necessarily. Not always. It was sometimes a sure-fire way of hating yourself and perhaps even hurting others. I don’t like dating; I’ve vowed to never date. And the reason is this sense of availability, this sense of giving it my all. I haven’t particularly liked any of the, let’s see, two people I can say I dated, even though it’s a stretch, really. But in both instances, there was no real attraction to the person. They were available and bored. I was available and bored. Quite roma
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