Mothers; why only blame them?

Today’s radio discussion was about Magi, instant food and MSG. I didn’t listen to all of it and I didn’t listen very closely because I was reading. However, I did catch a few things discussed.

The most important thing that struck me was who was being blamed. Sure, the companies were blamed for manufacturing and selling poison and the government was blamed for allowing this poison-selling to continue, but who was blamed for letting their children consume this poison? Not parents, but mothers. Such a specific person to blame.

This isn’t the first time mothers were blamed for social issues. If I misbehave, people will say, ‘අම්මලා හදලා තියෙන හැටි තමා’ instead of ‘දෙමාපියන් හදලා තියෙන හැටි තමා.’ Whatever I choose to do, the blame is put on my mother for not doing a good job bringing me up.

The man who spoke on the radio basically said something along the lines of, ‘Mothers don’t want to wake up early anymore. So instead of waking up early to cook rice or manioc for their children, they wait for the choon paan man to buy breakfast for them.’ May be so. I’ve seen so many children at pastry shops choosing what they’ll have for breakfast. My mother, a primary school teacher, tells me how her children are often sent burgers, oily food, instant food and pastries for breakfast/lunch. So there is an issue where children aren’t being given the right food.

Some schools have a program where students are required to bring certain foods for each day. So Monday could be green gram day, Tuesday could be rice day and so on. This may work but how practical is it?

In most households, the mother does the cooking. Sometimes there is a grandmother to help out. If the family has two kids, there are still four or five people to cook for. Some families also have pets. So extra stomachs to fill. And who does the cooking? The females.

Our family consists of my mother, brother and I. If I remember right, Aiya gets lunch from his place of work. So Amma only has to make lunch for two people and our cat. Breakfast is usually biscuits, yoghurts or a quick sandwich. Nothing fancy. Unless we drink tea in the morning, the other options, coffee or chocolate milk, come out of a packet or carton.

So compared to most families, there’s less cooking done at home. And yet, Amma usually wakes up before five. I go to bed by 10, wake up at 5.30 and still feel extremely tired each morning. Amma gets less sleep than I do. So it’s not fair that she has to wake up so early.

While we don’t help with the cooking, we do take care of other small chores like making the beds, opening the windows, taking out the chairs to the veranda and giving Johnny his breakfast. So it’s not that we don’t do anything. And even if I was to help with the cooking, our kitchen is simply too small for two people to cook without stepping on or bumping into each other.

If our family was any bigger, say even with one more member, Amma might have to wake up earlier. Can we expect this from her? No.

However, in most families, this is the case. Mothers have to wake up early, cook, clean, open the windows, make the beds, pack lunch for everyone, make sure their kids are ready for school, get dressed for work, go to work, get back home, cook, clean, make sure their kids do their homework, have dinner and go to bed early and then think about the next day. So can we blame these overworked mothers for choosing the choon paan man over home cooked rice or chickpeas or string hoppers?

So when the man on the radio blamed mothers for feeding their children poison, didn’t he ever question his own role, as a man, as a father, in this?

Why is it that fathers and males in general tend to be exempt from household chores like cooking and cleaning? At home, most of the arguments between my mother and I are due to the fact that Aiya never has to do any cooking. When I’m asked to make dinner for us, especially on days Amma is skipping a meal or has had early dinner, I ask Aiya to also help out. I don’t make fancy dishes and usually rely on pasta to save my life. So he doesn’t have much to do, maybe chop some onions or go get the butter from the fridge. If I do suggest that Aiya helps out, Amma is quick to tell me that if I can’t make it by myself I should just tell her and that Aiya need not cook.

Thus from a very young age, males are told they need not help with the cooking or the cleaning. And are usually told by society that they need not help with the upbringing of their children. My father’s lifestyle and job kept and continues to keep him away from me. And still, even with the distance between us, he continues to make sure I grow up with the right beliefs and attitudes.

I remember how in grade nine I was asking for my very first phone. He didn’t just give in and get me a phone. I had to give him reasons and tell him how I’ll save my pocket money to pay my phone bill. He continues to make sure I know the value of things.

Similarly, Amma has done more than enough to make sure I know right from wrong and should do from shouldn’t do.

So if someone is going to blame the people who brought me up, they’ll have to blame both Amma and Thaththa. This is because parents, and not just one, should be responsible for the child they bring in to this world.

 After all, they are our creators. Some superior being (for example, god) doesn’t create us or bring us to this world. It’s a joint effort, and I’m not only talking about it being a joint effort before the kid is conceived. It’s a joint effort throughout the child’s life. I’m 21, mostly an adult and I still need and depend on my parents. Soon enough I won’t depend on them financially, but I will always depend on them and need their advice and guidance.

However, if society is going to decide that mothers are to be solely responsible of a person’s upbringing, fathers are absolved of their responsibilities and this is the worst thing that can happen to a child.

So if a child is being fed instant noodles, blame both parents. If a child isn’t given home cooked meals, don’t only question why the mother can’t cook but also ask why both parents can’t provide nutritious meals for the child.

But it’s not like fathers don’t get the blame. If a young man is seen consuming alcohol or smoking, they are thought to be influenced by or imitating their fathers or male relatives. Yes, a child who grows up having not seen his father without alcohol in a glass, can, bottle or his system may grow up to be an alcoholic himself. But a child may also see how acceptable this behavior is if his mother is the one who always brings his father his drink and cooks spicy food to enjoy while having his daily quota.

Society is ever ready to blame people. Pointing fingers seems to be society’s favorite pastime. However, it’s high time society stopped meddling with the functions of a family and responsibilities of family members.