Losing the battle

Published in Free, The Nation on December 7

nation.lk (AFP pic)

“We lost… we lost,” she wails, api paraduna. The words build momentum from deep within this lady, who has lost her brother. She reminds everyone who is listening, how good a man her brother was. Each time it seems like she has emptied her heart of sorrow and has no more tears to shed, another wave of pain, realization, shock and even anger hits her. Those words, ‘api paraduna’ echo in that room, bouncing against the walls and settling between the curtain and the door-frame, the white cloth on the chairs and the tiled floor and the eyes that cry those tears and the tissue that soaks them up.

It is obvious that a battle has been fought and lost. And yet, one wonders who she has lost to. Did we lose to life, death, humans, or nature? When did this battle begin; when life was breathed into us or when we realized all life would leave us someday? Did we give our consent or do we have no choice, but to fight this battle against a much stronger force?

People are born, and just as they are born, they must die. However, it’s easier to be born than die, just as it is easier to start a race than end it. We lose enthusiasm midway, lose direction and lose our sense of time. So, we keep wandering in this empty field, where we have been given a plot of land, planting trees, watering the flowers, pulling out the weeds. This field can be beautified with plants, fruits, flowers, butterflies, ladybirds, dragonflies and even other people. They would visit our garden, praise it and comment on its beauty. They may even take with them a plant or two and some flowers. However, there are some gardens that are neglected. There is an owner, but he doesn’t bother with the land. There are weeds everywhere, the grass is overgrown, and it’s not what people would call a beautiful garden. However, it could still have visitors, still have a purpose.

As time goes on, we forget that these plots or gardens won’t last forever. We forget that no matter how hard we work on our fields, we would someday be given a different field. This other field depends on your beliefs; it could be in the human world, animal world, the heavens or the hells. The field we get isn’t only decided by how well we took care of a field, but also by what we did in this field.

We don’t know what we would end up doing with our fields; we don’t know what field we would get. The one thing we know for sure is that, our time in this field will end. And it is this end that marks the end of a battle or war. When doctors, firefighters, soldiers or heroes are praised for saving a life, no one realizes that no life has been saved; the person has only been given more time. We aren’t immortal. We are given a very short time in this world and it makes us wonder why some are given an even shorter time.

While death is death, and a life lost can’t be brought back, it is easier to accept the death of an old person. We know they have lived a long life and while it is still painful to lose someone, we can console ourselves saying they were old when they died. It is more difficult to understand and accept the death of someone young. While age isn’t something death even considers, we, as humans, can’t accept that a person can die when he is still young. And no matter what reasons are given, especially the how of an individual’s death, we can never understand the why of it.

This is made worse if the person was one of those rare good people. They tended their plot of land well. They made visitors never want to leave that garden. They were good without trying to impress.

When the world loses such people, it isn’t only he who has lost this war that is life. When the lady who lost her brother said “we lost,” she meant everyone who loves him, everyone who was family and loved one, everyone who fought to keep him alive. Losing the battle is painful. It makes one feel like someone is squeezing the blood out their heart. But what is even more difficult and painful than losing the battle is losing a person. The world stops being the same and there is an empty space that can never be filled.