serotinal

Summer is not a season I’m familiar with. Autumn, winter, spring, none of them are. We have the monsoon and the warm weeks leading up to it. Perhaps the end of summer is like those final weeks of unbearable heat before the skies unleash on us rain and thunder, making us long for those drier days.

We have been in lockdown for a month. This month feels like a year because during the weeks leading up to it, there was some form of self-imposed lockdown most of us practiced. With the exception of a handful of outings, to drop off food, visit my father, get vaccinated, or buy groceries, my life has been limited to the rectangular plot of land we have lived on all my life.

Walks to the back of the garden to burn trash or pluck a lemon, running to the gate to accept a delivery, these are the extent of my travels. I even missed the occasion of my brother’s marriage because it would have been wrong to go.

I have been telling myself that all this was done because it is the right thing to do. I was listening to the health officials of the country. I was doing my part.

But to be honest, I’ve reached a point of having had enough. I’ve reached a point where I can’t take this anymore. It reminds me of that sense of restlessness that emerges during those weeks leading up to the monsoon rains. It becomes so hot that all you can do is lie on a sofa and stare at the ceiling. Water takes on an off-taste. Your clothes cling to your body and beads of sweat drip down your face.

You sit in front of a whirring fan even though it doesn’t do much good. Nights are spent restlessly tossing and turning in bed.

Even the smallest disagreement turns into a massive argument. Everyone’s on edge. Tempers rise at the utterance of one wrong word.

I find myself becoming difficult to be around. I’m always looking to pick a fight with someone. And then I spend hours unable to do much because I don’t have much energy left in me. There is this itch within me, it makes it hard to breathe sometimes. It makes me want to tear my skin into shreds.

I just need one day, to go out, meet people, live. Feel alive.